(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
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You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.