My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
You Might Also Like
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase