I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
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Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂