It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
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Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
Bit chilly again tonight.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”