On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
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“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
We’ve come full circle
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.