My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
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*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
*serious situation*
My brain:
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?