#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
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My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.