Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
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My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”