‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
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Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……