Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
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whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.