Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
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Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”