ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
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I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
Me trying to “trust the process”