If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
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Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”