Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
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Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.