my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
You Might Also Like
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
lmao
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.