embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
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The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.