Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
You Might Also Like
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense