coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
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[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
Optional boss fight.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting