Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
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TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet