Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
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LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath