October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
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agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
#titanic
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.