I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
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My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?