STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
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I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”