Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
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My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.