Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
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You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
Cool shirt 🙂
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.