It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
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“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now