The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
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I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal