My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
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The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
bad news gang
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
live long and prosper!
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.