Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
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Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
Hard not to take this personally
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*