wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
You Might Also Like
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..