“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
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*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do