Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
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parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody