If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
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Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
#parenting
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.