Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
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someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
He just like my cat fr
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti