Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
You Might Also Like
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way