My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
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Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.