Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
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WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England