Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
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Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son