Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
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damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
My patronus is a cheeseburger
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.