Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
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[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
[eulogy]
line?
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑