If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
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Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
A completely valid reaction tbh
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??