When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
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People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
not seeing the problem
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go