me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
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maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
ACED my prostate exam!
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
Death certificates are our last participation award.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.