The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
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Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
Once again not all heroes wear capes
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”