*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
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DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
Canadian owl: Eh?
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick