5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
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Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
Has there ever been a more American story?
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
Storm Tropical Storm
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.