At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
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Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away