Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
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“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.