Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
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Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
My love language is deader than Latin
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.