I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
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[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.